For those of us who possess a certain apocalyptic mindset, whenever matters begin to go well, we viciously interrogate the situation, looking for the most minute flaw to justify a cowardly disengagement and eventual abandonment.
Thus, am I. However, I now have the most amazing girlfriend who continues to surprise me with her…self. If anyone cares to make connections, I wrote about her a year ago.
I am making progress, I believe, with my writing, so there is that. I hope to (self)publish my first collection of short stories by the end of this year. I am pretty damn confident in my abilities, so I suppose I need to confess my pride.
This being said, I am waiting for the grand fuck-up.
It has to be coming. Then again, for the first time in a long time I find myself breaking into smiles even though no one is watching. (I tend not to smile that often, especially if no one is watching–ask friends.) In addition, I actually feel comfortable in the classroom, though I still do not have the slightest fuck-all clue what I am doing.
I have always over-thought or over-felt every damn situation in my life. To hell with that. I am beyond grateful for what I have, and I will take each day as it is given to me–graciously.
I am thinking of this song, even though it spans two decades of my life. My brother once played this for me and an ex (the cunt of the century) on his guitar; however, when I recall that evening, I transform, and thus improve, it–applying it to my current situation, and a much better girlfriend.
You know who you are, so here are the appropriate lyrics:
And I’d like to fall asleep / to the beat of you breathing, / in a room near a truck stop, / on a highway somewhere.