The late L.A. Rollins, humorously vitriolic curmudgeon, responded to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary with his own Lucifer’s Lexicon. In Rollins’s The Myth of Natural Rights and Other Essays, one finds Lucifer’s Lexicon: An Updated Abridgment. It is from the Abridgment that I take the following gems, gems so polished that the wit is blinding. This work can be obscenely irreligious at times, but I suspect more people would be offended at the lack of political correctness (the reigning moral orthodoxy). Here are a few that amused me:
Agnostic, n. A Godfearing atheist.
Anti-Arabism, n. The other anti-Semitism. Fortunately for many American bigots, this prejudice is perfectly kosher.
Bullshit, n. A fertilizer essential to the growth of civilizations.
Capitalism, n. Moneytheism.
Conservative, n. One who favors limited government and total war. One who is against exercise because Jane Fonda is for it. As Franklin Roosevelt said, “A Conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk.” Of course, Roosevelt forgot to add that a Liberal is a cripple who wants to force somebody else to pay for his wheelchair.
Decadence, n. The idolization of idiosyncrasy. Sleeping with Satan on satin sheets. Sowing one’s Wilde oats while going against the grain.
Egalitarian, n. One who believes inequity is iniquity. A morally superior person.
Holocaust, the, n. A smokescreen obscuring the atrocities of the Allies and the Israelis.
I Do, Adieu–to freedom.
Isolationist, n. A selfish bastard who stubbornly doesn’t want to be bothered with slaughtering foreigners.
Liberal, n. One whose heart bleeds when the Federal budget is cut. One who believes that a woman should have the right to kill her fetus, but not with a gun. One who believes that gays should be allowed to join the military and form a Special Forces group called The Lavender Berets. [hahaha]
Lynching, n. An application of participatory democracy to the judicial process.
Nirvana, n. The state of absolute felicity attained by blowing out one’s brains. [hahaha]
Reality, n. An escape from drugs.
Subsidy, n. Government aid to the plunderprivileged.
World War II, n. The bigger-budget, bigger-cast sequel to World War I, which was also more successful at the box office.
Zenophobia, n. An irrational fear and hatred of paradoxes.